Neverland, Lollipops and All That Jazz
by IAmJustSoAngry
Summary: Xemnas sends Saix, Demyx, Axel, Marluxia, and Xigbar to Neverland to destroy a giant Heartless, but it doesn't go as planned...you know how it goes. Rated T for some swearing. NO FREAKIN' PAIRINGS.
1. Chapter 1

Yo everyone. I just wanted to make this because...well, Organization XIII is the most tormented of them all. So many Yaoi fangirls...ugh...

*randomly gets punched in the face by one of the many Axel/Roxas fangirls* YEOW!

...Uh, anyway...

I guess this is the story. The timeline is before Days and CoM, so...it's around the first KH game? I don't know...GOD!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't want to own anything.

It was just another cheerful morning at the Organization.

Birds were chirping, Saix was standing looking intimadating (because he could go into Beserker Mode any time, ya know), and dearest Xemans was playing '90's hip-hop & rap music over the loudspeaker.

He was into tht sort of thing.

So all of the Organization was at that place where Roxas always gets his mission and has to do something for Demyx in Days (which name slips me).

Maluxia was combing his pink mane and reading the latest edition of People Style Watch. Larxene was sharpining her claws or gelling her hair to look like a grasshopper's or something.

Yep, the gang was all here ('cept Xemnas, who never comes down there)...

...EXCEPT Axel.

"Where'd he go?" Vexen asked.

"Yeah, where did he go?" Xigbar asked as well.

Saix shrugged. "I don't know, but we should all hope for the best," but in the inside he was all like, Gee, I hope he died. That way I can have the Organization all to myself. Tee-hee-hee! ...Whoops, wrong laugh. *Ahem*...MUA-HA-HA-HA!

Then Axel finally came in, with kisses all over him and with the condition of a trampled old woman. His eyes were wide open as if he had witnessed something VERY horrifying.

"What the hell happened to you?" Luxord asked, who was playing Crazy 8's with Demyx.

"...I was attacked." he answered flatly, looking like he was about to piss his pants.

"Was it a Heartless? Did you destroy it?" Saix asked (because that was the whole point of the FREAKING GAME). "Cause if you didn't-"

Axel interrupted him. "No, it was worse than that," he paused for dramatic effect, and said, "IT WAS A FANGIRL ATTACK."

Everyone in the room screamed in terror except Larxene (she had no creepy fangirls), Lexaeus (couldn't talk all too well), and Saix (boring).

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Demyx screamed, traumatized. "They're back! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"SETTLE DOWN!" Saix yelled.

It was no use. Everyone kept spazzing out.

Finally, Larxene shot a bolt of lightning at the wall and yelled, " UUUUUUUPPPPPP!"

Everyone was silenced.

"Now," Saix said as things began to settle down. "Axel, describe to us the fangirls and the attack,"

"Uh...alrighty," Axel said. "It all started this morning..."

[FLASHBACK]

"Hey girls, I found him!" shouted a young woman named Stacy, who was president of the Axel Fan Club.

The girls ran to Stacy and squealed at the asleep Axel.

Awoken by the squeals, Axel opened his eyes. "What the hell...?" he mumbled as he saw the crazed horny fangirls.

"Look how cute he is!" Stacy squealed.

"Huh?" Axel asked, getting out of bed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" a fangirl squealed. "look at his pajamas!" she pointed to his black pajamas (don't worry, he's fully clothed).

Axel finally realized who they were. "Oh no...fangirls!" he exclaimed.

Axel tried to make a run for the door, but it was no use. Stacy and her crazed friends got him and held on to him better than Axe styling gel.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Axel screamed.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

"So terrible..." he said, traumatized. "Why do I always get the obessed freaks?"

"Because you're an asshole, and chicks dig assholes," Xaldin said.

"But Xaldin, you're just as bad as he is, and you don't have like, any fans," Zexion said, and sighed. "Ohhh, my life...it's so depressing and it has no purpose..."

"Wait a second..." Xigbar just realized something. "We're all assholes! Why does Axel-"

"ENOUGH!" they all heard someone yell. It was Xemnas. "Your pathetic screaming is drowning out Doggystyle!"

Saix turned around and said, "Dearest Xemnas, the humble leader of Organization XIII...I'm so deeply sorry!" he ran up to Xemnas, curtsied, and kissed his hand.

"You better be," he growled. "Because I'm assigning you to Neverland today to destroy a GIANT Heartless."

"Of course dear Xemnas, thank you-"

Xemnas interrupted him. "WITH...ummm..." he tried to find some people. "Xigbar, Axel, Marluxia...ANNNNNNNDDD...Demyx."

"Whaaaat!" Demyx said. "Look Mansexy, I'd love to, but I have to clean out my fishbowl-"

"ENOUGH WITH YOUR SHIT, DEMYX!" Xemnas yelled. "YOU'RE GOING, AND THAT'S FINALLLLLLLLLL!"

Demyx piped down and started to whimper.

"Oh...I'm sorry," Xemnas said gently. "I didn't mean to yell. Look," he handed Demyx a rainbow lollipop. "Here's a lollipop. Now will you go?"

"Oh goody!" Demyx grabbed the lollipop with a sudden mood change. "Yeah, I'll go!"

"Good," he said. "NOW GOOOOOOO!"

Uh...yeah. See ya next chapter.

-Angry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Yo everyone. I have nothing to say, so...yeah.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't want to own anything.**

It was nighttime in Neverland as Saïx, Xigbar, Axel, Demyx, and Marluxia came out of the portal thing-y (which name also slips me).

Demyx was still licking his rainbow lollipop and talking to it.

"You like it when Iick you, don't you, lollipop?" he said and licked it.

_Lunatic,_ Axel thought.

"Ew," Marluxia said, looking at his nails. "We need to defeat the Heartless fast. I need a manicure,"

"Hey it's alright Marly," Demyx put his arm on his shoulder. "We'll have lots of fun here in Neverland. Now you just sit there and look pretty while I kill the Heartless, alright?"

Everyone stood in silence.

_Demyx is gay?_ Axel and Xigbar thought in unison. _Makes sense._

"Where's the Heartless supposed to be, Saïx?" Axel asked.

He didn't answer.

"Saïx?" he asked one more time. "Hello!"

But Saïx was too busy staring at the moon.

The full moon.

"Ohhh crap..." Axel whispered.

"What?" Xigbar whispered back.

"Look, man," Axel pointed to Saïx, who wasn't quite in Beserker Mode yet, but his eyes were bulged out and he was have a mighty hard time keeping his drool in.

"Oh no." Xigbar said.

"Yeah I know," Axel said quietly. "We need to tell Demyx and Marluxia to shut up, 'cause if they say something annoying..."

"...All hell breaks loose."

Xigbar told Demyx and Marluxia to play a game called "1, 2, 3, Quiet As A Mouse", where if you talked, you die a slow, painful death, compliments of Saïx.

Let's just say they were having a hard time.

_Oh gee, I don't wanna die,_ Demyx thought. _But I can't go an hour without annoying someone! GAH!_

_Hmm...I wonder what it would be like if Axel was a girl..._ Marluxia thought curiously, trying not to giggle.

"We need to abort the mission, man," Xigbar whispered to Axel. "To hell with the consequences."

"True dat, brother," Axel whispered back. He tried to use the portal thing-y, but it didn't work. "What the hell...?"

[MEANWHILE AT THE CASTLE THAT NEVER WAS...]

"Snoop Doggy Do-o-o-og! Snoop Doggy Do-o-o-og!" Xemnas sang along to "Who Am I" from Doggystyle. "Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo...dooooo oooo ooooo eeeee oooooooo...Dah-Dogg..."

He smiled to himself. Xemnas sent every single Organization member out on a mission to destroy a "GIANT" Heartless that probably didn't even exist. He even shut down the portals in case they tried to abort.

"Ya done good Mansex-er, I mean...Xemnas," he said, getting out the ENTIRE SERIES of Friends and Lavirne & Shirley from The Attic That Never Was.

He was going to have to watch 'em all before they got back.

[BACK TO NEVERLAND]

"I'm getting kinda creeped out." Xigbar said. "It won't work, so...we're trapped!"

"Shhh!" Axel whispered, and thought of a plan. "We need to get away from Saïx until morning, then we'll defeat the Heartless and THEN we'll RTC. Cool?"

"Yeah." Xigbar looked around. "Guess we'll have to swim,"

"Swim?" Axel said. "Heh! No way! Swimming is for losers,"

"Come on man, it's not that far, we can make it," he pointed to a flat little island about 50 feet away. Surely they could make it, since they're all athletic and stuff.

"Well, I'm...concerned about Demyx, see," Axel said. "He can swim all too well...what if he drowns?"

Xigbar chuckled. "That would be freakin' hilarious,"

"Shhhhuuuuttt...uuuupppp...damn...yoouuuuuu..." they heard Saïx growl.

"Oh crap," Axel whispered. "...Guess we have to, huh?"

Xigbar nodded. "I'll get 'em." he went to Marluxia and Demyx, who looked like they were about to explode any second now.

"Uh...you guys can talk," Xigbar said. "But only if you whisper. Got it?"

They nodded.

"Cool. Now c'mon, we're going to that island over there,"

**Yo. Bye.**

**-Angry.**


	3. Chapter 3

Yo everyone. Still nothing to say. Not much of a talker.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't want to own anything.

"C'mon Axel!" Xigbar yelled, already in the water. "It's not even that deep!"

"Yeah man!" Demyx yelled. "You don't wanna disappoint lollipop, do ya?" Demyx, who was in the water as well, STILL had the freakin' lollipop, although he dropped it in the grass a couple times and it looked rather disgusting.

"Look, 'man'!" Marluxia, who was in the water, said as he tried to be a man and fit in (that's all he ever wanted...). "These...'rad' waves are 'killer'! Perhaps you should 'dive in' as well as the rest of the 'dudes'!"

"...Great." Axel said sarcastically. Ever since Axel (or Lea, whichever you prefer) was a kid, he didn't swim. He could, but he didn't. Scientists could never figure it out. They tested his DNA and everything. Some people thought he had rabies. Or aqua-phobia. He had only been in the water once-when he had learned how to swim.

Now, DEMYX on the other hand, always swam when he was a child. Some people thought he was a mermaid. Or David Bowie. Or Davy Jones. Whenever someone asked, he would answer, "Shark with David Bowie's hair wearing a weird outfit", because that seemed like a mermaid, David Bowie, and Davy Jones combined.

"JUST GET THE HELL IN!" Xigbar yelled to Axel.

"Okay, fine!" Axel yelled, and jumped in. (A/N: Oh, and by the way Axel fangirls, HE IS FULLY CLOTHED, dammit!)

When he swam back up, Axel let out a laugh. "Hey...it's not that bad!"

"Ha ha, 'yeah', except for the 'killer sharks', 'dude'." Marluxia said.

Xigbar, Axel, and Demyx slowly turned to Marluxia.

"Marly, did you just say 'killer sharks'?" Demyx asked.

"'Yeah', 'dude'," Marluxia laughed. "They've been scraping my feet since I got into the water, 'man'."

"Uh...let's swim as fast as we can." Xigbar quickly said, and swam away to the island.

"'Radical'!" Marluxia followed him.

"Shark with David Bowie's hair wearing a weird outfit...AWAY!" Demyx swam as fast as he could.

Axel followed silently.

They were about 24 feet away from the island until Axel saw something nibble at him.

"SHIT! A SHARK!" he exclaimed, trying to attack but with no luck (yeah...what are those spunky things called? Chakrams or something? I guess they don't work in water cause...ya know...they're on fire).

"I'll save you Axey!" Demyx rushed to his aid, only to find out that the 'killer shark' was...

...a small sea bass.

Demyx started laughing. "You thought THAT was a killer shark?" he asked. "Heh heh...you're stupid."

"Oh ho ho ho!" Marluxia laughed a rather odd laugh. "You just got 'punk'd' by a fish. Ho ho ho!"

"Ehhhhh..." Axel didn't say anything for the rest of the...Uhhh...swim.

Once they got on the island, they were home-free.

"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhh!" Demyx and Xigbar high-fived each other.

"If only we had some beer..." Xigbar said sadly.

Demyx yawned. "What time is it, Xiggy?"

"About 3 o' clock," Axel said.

Then Demyx got mad for no apparent reason. "AXEY, I ASKED XIGGY FOR THE TIME. NOT YOU. XIGGY. WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO SAÏXY?"

"Uhhh-"

"HOW ABOUT MARLY? OR MANSEXY? HUH? HUH? WHAT ABOUT ZEXY, XALDY, VEXY, LEXY, LUXY, LARXENE, OR ROXY?"

"...Who the hell is Roxy-"

"AXEY, YOUR TABLE MANNERS DISGUST ME. YOU'RE INCREDIBLY STUPID AND ILL-MANNERED. AND YOU'RE A B-WORD! DEMY OUT!" Demyx folded his arms and left the perimeter (or something) of the little rock that Xigbar called an island.

However, the island was incredibly small, so Demyx was only about 5 feet away from Axel.

"Axey, I hate you with a burning passion," Demyx said.

Then Axel thought he would say something stupid that would make ALLLLLLLLL the Demyx/Axel fangirls break all the glass in the 10 mile radius. "Aw gee, Demyx, I love you, too,"

Demyx looked shocked. "...Axey! I may be a lot of things, but I am not gay!"

"Uh dude," Xigbar butted in. "You're like in love with Marluxia. Your entire bedroom is covered with his face on your wall,"

He scoffed. "Uh, Marly's a GIRL, thank you, and if anyone was gay, it would be Axey,"

"Me?" Axel exclaimed. "I am not...wait, did you just say Marluxia's a girl?"

Demyx nodded. "DUH Axel, everybody knows that."

"Demyx, Marluxia's a boy," Xigbar said, and thought of something. "Check his balls if you don't believe me,"

"Fine," Demyx said. "I will!"

And then he went over to Marluxia.

...5 minutes later, Demyx was crying and in fetal position. "M-Marly's a boy...?" he kept saying over and over.

"Yeah, 'dude'," Marluxia said. "Can't you tell?"

"Well, dude, you have pink hair and you control flowers," Xigbar said. "Not exactly manly."

"Well, at least I-"

Marluxia was interrupted by an odd loud but yet soft growl.

"What's that?" Axel asked.

Then, all of a sudden, Saïx came out of the water (A/N: Although I've never watched this movie, last year I saw a trailer for Eclipse. Remember when all these vampires came out of the water? Yeah, that's how Saïx came out. Don't ask...).

"Holy shit!" everyone (except Marluxia, who was too ladylike to cuss) yelled.

"Run!"

Bye. Last chapter...is the next.

-Angry.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey. Before you read this, I gotta say that I really didn't want to do this. I fact I really didn't want to do hardly any of this, but you gotta give the people what they want, right? I got the lyrics on some website, just in case you thought I knew them all by heart, which would be...very creepy...

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't wanna own anything.

[AT THE CASTLE THAT NEVER WAS]

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!" Xemnas sang along to the Lavirne & Shirley theme song.

"Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.

We're gonna do it!

Give us any chance, we'll take it.

Give us any rule, we'll break it.

We're gonna make our dreams come true.

Doin' it our way.

Nothin's gonna turn us back now,

Straight ahead and on the track now.

We're gonna make our dreams come true,

Doin' it our way.

There is nothing we won't try,

Never heard the word impossible.

This time there's no stopping us.

We're gonna do it.

On your mark, get set, and go now,

Got a dream and we just know now,

We're gonna make our dream come true.

And we'll do it our way, yes our way.

Make all our dreams come true-"

"...Xemnas?" Mansex was interrupted by Xaldin, who had just came into the castle.

He took a look at Xaldin, and then screamed, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"

"...Well, it started back were you sent me...ya know, Aghrabah (the Aladdin world, I have no idea how to spell it)..."

[FLASHBACK]

"Damn this blasted sandstorm!" Xaldin yelled through the gusting wind, holding on to a pole so he wouldn't blow away.

He was with Zexion and Lexaeus to destroy a GIANT Heartless, but unfortunately, all they found was a GIANT sandstorm.

Xaldin was looking over at Lexaeus, who was standing (he didn't have to hold on to anything 'cause he weighed like a billion pounds) in the eye of the sandstorm, folding his arms across his chest.

The Xaldin looked at Zexion, who was sighing, reading Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, and about to blow into the eye of the storm.

"ZEXION! HOLD ON TO SOMETHING!" he yelled to him over the gusting winds.

"Sigh...my life...ohh, my life..." Zexion sighed, ignoring him and getting closer to the eye.

"ZEXION!" Xaldin yelled as Zexion was getting sucked in. "!"

Zexion let out one final sigh as he got sucked in. The winds dragged him around and around like a rag doll. He was getting higher and higher into the sky, going in circles, and eventually just...disappeared.

The sandstorm stopped. "That was the first time I saw him without his hair in his face..." Xaldin said sadly. "Now he's gone..."

"Oh well." Lexaeus said. "Let's proceed with the...the...uh..."

"C'mon Lexaeus what's the word?" Xaldin asked, helping him with his english.

"Um...mission!" he said.

"You got it!" Xaldin cheered. "Now let's kill something!"

"Alright!"

Then Lexeaus saw a Shadow, and killed it.

SHING! Went the Mission Gauge.

"Hey, it's full!" Lexaeus said.

"Cool, we can go back," Xaldin tried to use to portal thing-y, but it didn't work. "What the hell...?"

Lexaeus tried to, too. "Weird." he said.

"Well...the gauge is full," Xaldin said. "So we need to hitch a ride out of here."

He looked around. Let's see...sand, sand, sand, gummi ship, sand, sand-HEY! "A Gummi Ship!" Xaldin exclaimed, hopping on the back of it. "Perfect!" (A/N: Yes, this is the one Sora and the gang use. They just never noticed Xaldin had hitched a ride. Heh.)

After a while, the ship took off. Xaldin felt bad about leaving Lexaeus, but he couldn't speak all too well, so he was, in a way, useless. Every Nobody for himself (or herself, counting Larxene and Marluxia), right?

[END OF FLASHBACK]

"So let me get this straight..." Xemnas began. "You left two comrades to die, hopped on a Gummi Ship, and jumped to this world?"

Xaldin nodded proudly.

"...YOU IDIOT!" Xemnas yelled, going into Large Ham Mode. "YOU LEFT ZEXION AND-KINGDOM HEARTS FILL MEEEEE-LEXAEUS TO DIE AND NOW I CAN'T WATCH LAVIRNE & SHIRLEY-WITH DARKNESSSS-AND FRIENDS WITHOUT SOMEONE CALLING ME GAY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

After that, Xaldin said, "Well, sorrr-eee. Geez, dude. Take a chill pill."

[BACK AT NEVERLAND]

"Run!" Demyx yelled, running around in circles in what was the perimeter of the island.

Axel, Xigbar, and Marluxia looked at each other, shrugged, and started to run around in circles like the idiots they were.

"AHHHHHH!" they all yelled (except Saïx).

"Axxxxxxeeellll..." Saïx growled. "Youuuuuu wiillllll payyyyyy..."

"Pay?" Axel repeated. "What did I do to you?"

"Youuuuuu stoleeee myyyy Gameeee Boyyyyy innnn thirrdddd gradeee, rememberrrrr?"

"OKAY JUST SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, SAÏX!" Demyx yelled, annoyed.

"...Oh, okay," Saïx said. "Well Anyhoo, Axel took my Game Boy when we were in third grade, and he never returned it. Turns out he broke it. AND I PAID $3,000,000 FOR IT!"

"Whoa, $3,000,000?" Axel exclaimed. "If I knew it was that much, I would've never broken it on purpose!"

"YOU BROKE IT ON PURPOSE?" Saïx yelled.

"Uhhhhhhh...no?" Axel lied.

"...PREPARE TO DIE, AXEL!" Saïx then turned into Beserker Mode.

He used his claymore thing and as soon as he did, Axel dove into the water.

And as soon as HE did, it happened.

The GIANT Heartless appeared.

"Wow! Finally!" Xigbar summoned his arrowguns or whatever they're called.

I can't describe the Heartless 'cause I have no idea what to call it. Let's just say it's BIG.

"NO WAAAAYY!" Demyx yelled, and dove into the water as well as Axel did.

"Eeeeeee!" Marluxia squealed, and dove into the water.

Finally, Saïx couldn't take it anymore. He took all his rage-the broken $3,000,000 Game Boy, Axel, kissing Xemnas' ass, Demyx, the time when he found out that the "shampoo" Axel gave him was actually Marluxia's hair dye, and his daily routine-and just LET IT OUT on that Heartless.

"RAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, striking the Heartless. Then he was all like, "RA, RAAA, AH AH AHH, ROMA ROMA-MA, GAGAAA-"

"SHUT UP!" he heard Xigbar yell.

Then, the Heartless disappeared.

"Dude...you like...killed it," Xigbar said.

Demyx got out of the water, as well as Marluxia. "Cool. You killed it in record time, Saïx!"

Saïx, now in Boring Mode, beamed like the kiss-ass he was. "Oh, it was nothing," he said proudly. "All you have to do is get into Beserker Mode."

Then the sun came up.

"Blech." Saïx put on some cheap aviators on.

"We made it!" Demyx and Marluxia cheered and played ring-a-round-the-rosy (or whatever it's called).

Then, they all heard a WHOOSH!

It was Xemnas coming out of the portal thing.

"Master Xemnas!" Saïx exclaimed, run up to him, curtsied, and kissed his hand. "I am so humbly glad to see and also humbly be in your presense-"

"Cut the crap, Saïx!" Xemnas said, still angry at Xaldin. "Let's RTC."

"Of course dearest Xemnas," Saïx took his hand and they went into the portal.

Then Demyx and Marluxia went in.

"Gee, why do I get the feeling we forgot Saïxy?" Demyx asked.

"He just went in, Demyx," Marluxia replied.

"...Oh." Demyx smiled. "Goodbye, Neverland!"

He went in, as well as Marluxia.

As soon as the portal vanished, Axel came out if the water.

"Hey guys!" he exclaimed. "I just realized can hold my breath for 15 minutes straight! How weird is that?"

No answer.

He looked around. "...Guys? Hellloooo? Demyx? Saïx? Xigbar? Marluxia?"

No answer.

Did they leave without me? Axel thought.

He looked around and yelled in frustration,

"Aw, SHIT!"

~Fin.

-Angry.


End file.
